Why I Was Mean
As I grow more into my true nature and reside within the peace and love in my heart, I look back at my life to a time when I was mean. I was judgy and righteous and critical, and I was mean. I was mean to myself, and at times mean to others. In truth, I was really just hurt and I covered that up with an exoskeleton of toughness and tartness. I realize now, how being mean truly served me in many ways. We keep bad habits and patterns because we get something out of them, I’m grateful now that I am more aware and I see how being mean did serve me, but no longer does.
What I got from being mean was . . .
- I avoided being vulnerable.
- I could justify my judgements.
- I removed myself from the hurt in my heart.
- I could blame others for my unhappiness rather than own my complicity.
- I could be angry and stay angry. Feelings of a familiar operating system of my emotional condition became an unconscious pattern of feeling comfortable as ironic as that sounds. Anger was an old friend of mine.
- Feeling isolated and disconnected, yet thereby attracting others in that same frequency “haters”
- It perpetuated reactive behavior and short term satisfaction that fed the ego. For example if I had some road rage, I never worried about the “high road”. In the moment, nothing felt better than immediately flipping that perpetrator off!
- My shadow self stayed in the realm of the subconscious, I never saw how I tick and tocked!
- I didn’t have to take risks and I could close doors for myself providing self serving stories that rationalized my meanness and behavior toward myself and others.
- I didn’t get anything out of being mean that was worthwhile. Really, I just avoided my true self, the love that I am, and I played into old energetic patterns and charges never taking responsibility in clearing them because of the short term satisfaction of being comfortable with my anger.
Are you mean? To yourself? To others? What is your self talk? Do you always criticize yourself? Be honest? Evaluate how and where anger leaks out in your everyday. Are you hard on objects. I always ended up breaking objects, equipment, and things because of my hasty behavior. I also never thought of myself as a mean person, I was just angry, angry A LOT. For good reason too, but in time, those reasons faded, I cleared and healed the anger that resided within, and well, now sure I get angry-mostly when my kids mess up my house- but fortunately it’s not too often. I chose to be the person I wanted to become in old age, and it wasn’t an image or toughness or tartness that I wanted anymore.