My Pathway to Forgiveness
“You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger.” Buddha
Painful life experiences hurt.
Throughout my life, I’ve tried to avoid these events, but it’s impossible to avoid our destiny as it unfolds. Whether we like it or not doesn’t matter, because it’s happening. I like to believe it’s happening for a reason, yet all too often we: repress, ignore, and deny the depth of our pain. So what, you may say. So what happens to a world of hurt people? Well take a look at our earth and our humanity.
The collective “we” of our world is emotionally crippled. And, we see, feel, and experience the collective damage of our human consciousness. Let us manifest peace within so we may have peace without. Rather than fix the world’s problems I reworked my inner world first.
Feeling my feelings
I used to think this was a stupid waste of time. Overtime this repression just made me heavier, jaded, cynical and limited! The truth is I didn’t know how. Watching my family as a little girl provided toxic role modeling which I unconsciously ingested. Now that I’m older, I’ve learned that the way I saw my mom, dad, and other family members handle things perpetuated emotional instability as they were emotionally irresponsible and stunted. I learned that ignoring , hating, gossiping, drinking, or exploding wasn’t really creating joy in my life, as the hurt remained. I wanted to change patterns and agreements I unconsciously made as a child as they no longer served me as an adult. Reiki helped me do this gently.
With daily treatments negative emotions lifted more quickly than all the affirmations or positivity I tried. Don’t get me wrong I love those practices, but I needed something more, as the charge was still there, no matter what I said to myself. That’s because our cells have memory, like a blueprint. These experiences “in the past” seep into every day, whilst we are blinded to the real source of discontent—un-integrated emotions. This charge becomes in charge of us. This affects our overall well-being, including our limiting beliefs and our physical health and overall energy.
This is why I always recommend that if someone is taking a Reiki class, they should contemplate taking level two, as the level two mental/ emotional symbol specifically helps heal the mental and emotional bodies which comprise our etheric field or aura. Reiki helps clear the charge!
Thankfully with Reiki and breath work I was shown another way.
I’ve relearned to not run away by drinking, shopping, smoking, screwing, eating or whatever temporal sedation and control method I desired. Not that I haven’t done those things, I have many times, but I realize my problem waits for my return.
Now, I choose to release the charge responsibly. With as much grace and compassionate for myself that I can muster. Writing helps me get my story out, so I can connect with my feelings. When the page is full I feel lighter. Sometimes I need to scream. I’m careful not to do this in my workplace, rather in the shower, or in the car. When I first began feeling my rage I needed to physically get it out, so I would play some loud rock and roll and I’d put my kickboxing gloves on and hit my heavyweight bag in the garage. I’d imagine the person’s face on my punching bag. I’d kill them dead in my mind. I beat that bag: punch and breathe, kick and breathe— until the poison was out.
When the anger left, sadness would creep in, and I would fix myself a nice, hot salt bath with a scented candle and cry it out. Now, more often than not, I take long walks and talk to God and the sky and the trees. I talk and walk. I’ve found that once it’s “out” I then enjoy my walk and notice so much more in nature.
Harmony returns. My problems exist in my mind. I’ve found: I can steal my peace or return it lovingly. Re-programming how I process my pain bring forgiveness into my heart and nurtures my child self in a healthy way!
I also give myself Reiki every day and often throughout the day. I chant the symbols out loud or silently I repeat the ideals “Just for today . . .” It isn’t always easy, but I do it because I don’t want that yuck inside of me anymore. I refuse. Reiki helped me find tools to balance my emotions so they aren’t a source of pain anymore . My past is healed and I work in the now, creating my life. I am the author of my story, not my parent’s energetic imprints that controlled in the shadows.
Oftentimes the same people are a constant painful source. How do you get to a place of acceptance when someone is constantly hurting you? Or your family?
I honestly have no idea, and that is when I open my heart, send Reiki and pray for help. Just recently I went through a very difficult custody battle (again) with my ex-boyfriend as he drove drunk with our children and another child. My character was maligned and attacked, I was harassed, mediation was excruciating, and this dragged on for eight months. It was awful. When I went through this experience, I could barely think rationally. Reiki gave me solace, guidance, and forgiveness. I’ve gotten to a place where I can have compassion for my kid’s father despite his flaws and mistakes. It’s the permanent compassion that I’m still working on, and Karuna® Reiki helps as it is “compassionate action.”
Eventually, on some things, I’ve gotten to a point where what another does, doesn’t take away my power. I choose to be with what is, thereby respecting the energy that is emerging within me! If I’m truthful and stay with it, I can scrub through these feeling to the deepest spot in my heart where unconditional love resides. I don’t understand what is happening or why. Often I don’t know why bad happens to good people, but I pray to learn and to move through the hurt, the resentment, the barrage of gooey yuck. I accept the totality of my human condition!
I feel it to release it, and I keep feeling it, until it’s neutral, sometimes this takes a while. . . a long while. Sometimes this takes other modalities, like writing, therapy, Reiki, breath work, prayer and so forth. Sometimes this takes years or minutes.
Forgiveness is a blessing we can bestow upon ourselves.
I once read that every day I decide who I want to be in old age. I’ve decided I want to be love. I want to be forgiveness. I want to take the path where my heart is open no matter what. I’ve been bitter, closed off, busted up, and broken. Life can do that to a person if you let it; however, life can also teach us to let our heart navigate through daunting times that could perceptually put you in a prison of resentment. I refuse to let anyone or anything have that much power over me, so for sheer sake of my own spirit and destiny, I move onward ferociously and integrate emotions I previously would have damned and thereby damned myself. I am grateful for Reiki and my many teachers and books along the way that have given me the inspiration to do this, because I deserve to be free! Y