Have you ever loved somebody so much, you focused on what they could be rather than who they were?
Recently I had a three year relationship come to a dead end street. Except there was no turning around, I had to get out and accept that I had completely taken a road that took me for a ride on life lessons.
What was I to learn? If you look at people as ways to serve your own empowerment and growth there is always something to learn. At least this way, your broken heart isn’t in vain and you can chalk up the sucky feelings of heartache and loss to a higher spiritual lesson that will serve you in the next relationship.
Don’t do what I did, and try to figure the other person out. Analyzing motives, intention, where it went wrong, what did I do, and if only . . .That’s a waste of energy. And will drive you mental!
I spent my entire Christmas Break bawling like a baby and feeling rage, resentment, bitterness, sadness, heartache, and the grey of life that prevails when sweet love turns sour and rots. Alas, through that dramatic series of emotions I was brave enough to feel and not repress, or drink away, I asked Why?
Why did I have to go through this?
What did I have to learn?
I meant it a little rhetorically while on the phone with my dear friend and Reiki Master Teacher, Deb Karpek, when she said, “Do you want me to tell you?”. I swallowed and said, “Yes.”
“You needed to learn the lesson of what you deserve in a relationship.” This man was my teacher. By being in a relationship where I also learned to love someone unconditionally, I realized I loved him so very much I tolerated a lot of crap. Because I didn’t place my needs first and always catered to please, I slowly compromised myself, my wants, my needs, my vision. It was a slow process, piece by piece I began accepting less.
I’ve always been somewhat of a chameleon, perhaps it’s because my middle name is Camile. I have a range of personas that can easily blend into what a person resonates with. It is a quality that made me a good actress in college and conversationalist. Unknowingly this very positive trait backfires in my relationships because I aim to be what the person needs. Marry that with the desire to be loved and in a harmonious relationship as my penultimate achievement and I sell myself short.
Losing myself in this relationship I wasn’t able to see clearly. I saw how I wanted it to be. This desire was so powerful, it literally blocked my perception of reality. Then I’d make excuses and justifications for the person to satiate my disappointment and quell my heart.
In effect, I was delusional about this guy and what he could truly offer as a partner. Our desire for love (of anything for that matter) can be so powerful that we let emotion override intellect.
Balance of head and heart – we have both for a reason- they must be in harmony. In the name of love, I tried tirelessly, thus refusing to learn the lesson. I’d just get angry, then get over it thereby allowing what I did not want to become permissible. One morning I woke up and something inside me shifted. I had a glimpse of how I contributed to the same old, tired fight. I allowed it. My standards trodden on, boundaries bashed –discontent lodged deep in my center. I realized this man currently offered none of the things I need, value, or want in a relationship. I deserve more.
It’s not that he wasn’t a good person, he just wasn’t good enough for me. He came to give me a lesson on my own self worth. He came to grant me an opportunity to speak my truth and be brave regardless of how the message is received. He allowed me to stand my ground and establish a boundary and expectation of what is and what is not acceptable in a partnership. He permitted me to take my power back. He taught me to love him unconditionally, but to love myself even more. And when I started to love myself more, I began to expect better for myself.
People treat you how you allow them to treat you. I think most of us have been so beaten down in our lives we don’t even recognize when our needs aren’t met. Often because we don’t meet them ourselves and then expect other people to, or because when someone does at first we expect them to continue. I’m not certain, but I do know that there’s always a takeaway to make the dead end street a worthwhile trip.
My souvenirs from this trip include:
*Seeing things as they are and not how I want them to be
*“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” (Maya Angelou)
*Settle for more
*Know your boundaries and protect them with vigilance
*Forgive people, they’re doing the best they can, all are at different levels of consciousness
*Life has enough projects, don’t make your partner one of them
*Love & appreciate yourself
*Know your worth (and it’s priceless, you are sacred and oh so special 🙂
*Be grateful this will serve your highest good in the future