The greater your resistance to understanding the personal significance of an experience the more time you will destine yourself to live with a painful or confused state of mind (Howard Falco).

Years ago, I never would have understood this statement; I resisted everything and everyone I didn’t like. Rather than acceptance and understanding the ubiquitous: “it is what it is” phrase, I resented it, complained about it, and I hated it. It’s normal to resist things we don’t like, to push away, to ignore, to deny, to struggle, or fight the experience. Yet our aversion to the pain or truth of the situation makes it a bigger problem. This takes longer to process, and that just makes it even more aggravating and painful. It’s always easy to see this in other people than it is our selves, yet owning all parts of our reality, especially the part we really dislike and avoid, is the gateway to freedom.

                                                There can be an end to suffering.

Now, the new me, accepts everything whether I like it or not.  Rather than projection: Why does this person keep messing with me? I trust it is for my highest good. I am experiencing this for a reason, not because I’m subject to a volatile universe. My world is showing me parts of myself I don’t see, the shadow self. I give thanks for being shown this. That will allow me to work through the pain more efficiently. This is the “silver lining” most optimists talk about. Acceptance, trust, and gratitude are my map quest, showing me where I am at and guiding me to where I want to be.

With this acceptance my awareness grows and I understand myself better. This makes my life better.  Growing up my dad was in the HVAC business. His business had busy times during hot and cold weather. I grew up in a “feast or famine” mentality. We have money now! Now we don’t have money! There were two streams of energy, my father gave me, and his grandfather gave him. As my great-grandfather was a millionaire that later claimed bankruptcy. As I grew up I didn’t know I carried my dad’s perception of prosperity, just like he didn’t know he carried his grandfather’s.

                                                Our ancestors do more to us than we realize.

When I taught high school I received paychecks during the school year, not in the summer. Rather than budget appropriately for 12 months, I recreated the same reality of money that I grew up with as a child, feast or famine—have or have not. Money was really tight in the summer and then abundance in October, yet shortage at Christmas time, and so on.

To avoid experiencing “famine” I overcompensated, in a valiant effort of balance, by bartending and teaching summer school.  Had I just divided my paychecks over the course of the year I wouldn’t have these up’s and downs. Nope, I worked harder to fix this, sadly this just plummeted the issue deeper down.

                           I was addicted to living imbalanced, being balanced felt foreign to me.

I’m writing this now and it seems far too simple of a realization, and I’m careful not to chastise myself or lend credence to the justifications that kept my story about money intact. I enjoyed working too, but that was only because I didn’t know what to do with myself as I couldn’t sit still. I write this for myself as much as for you dear reader. Perhaps you are willing to examine your relationships in areas of your life. Are your relationships balanced? Harmonious? How about the relationship you have with yourself? Take the nudge to avoid the knockout.

After much time I realized I was too busy looking at the situation. I should have been looking at the emotional charge and feeling I had about the experience. This would have given me a clue, that it’s not the thing; it’s a part inside of me that is unaware. That must mean I have to journey within to release, accept, and move forward. This is the great “set up” the ego’s slight of hand. You look in the wrong direction, fixing outer circumstances first, rather than attending to yourself. And the drama continues.  Society ensnares us into this method, luring us with this and that. This leaves most of us confused, depressed, out of balance, or just lacking that sense of peace and harmony as a constant state of being.

            In an effort to break the cycle I first had to be aware that I recreated the same reality.

The fear of “not enough” was kept hidden and my ego was intact.  The real truth is I never felt like I was enough, so I recreated the reality of not having enough and when I managed some degree of success in my life I felt validated. Why does money create validation, it is literally dyed paper cut from dead trees? Shouldn’t I just feel loved and worthy for who I am, regardless of money, and other categorical qualifiers?

This fear of not being or having enough was trying to tap me on the shoulder, but I couldn’t or didn’t want to sense it. Well, the universe changes the depth of her measures to get your attention. Unfortunately, I needed a really big splash for me to wake up and pay attention.  I tend to have a personality that is a stubborn and one-sided at times, and well I paid for it, quite literally.

About 16 months ago I had my uncle-in-law remodel my newly purchased home.  He charged $10,000 on my credit card for the cost of materials, labor excluded. Since construction wasn’t my area I trusted he was buying things for the purpose of the job. Why wasn’t I monitoring him more closely? Why didn’t I question more? Of course I didn’t expect my Uncle to “screw me over” for lack of better terms. I couldn’t believe it even though it was happening before my very eyes. Yet, even when I saw the charges increasing, I’d listen and accept his lies. I nearly didn’t close on the sale of the home because of his inability to finish the remodel. There was a point I could have cut my losses, yet I got sucked in by a phone call from my aunt and this made me feel guilty for standing my ground.  When the ordeal was over I blamed him and avoided responsibility altogether.

I had so many emotions from rage to remorse.  I made a “wrong” choice. I did a “bad” thing, I was “stupid”. Obviously, this took me distance and time to sort through. I felt taken advantage of; however, I see that I was a wounded child, as we all are to some extent being at the mercy of adults. Here this energy hid. I carried this “victim” from childhood into adulthood.  This was especially a fragile time for me and I wasn’t seeing things that clearly as I left a ten year relationship of the father of my children. The ending of that relationship also made me feel like I was taken advantage of as well.  I don’t judge my actions or see them as mistakes. I was doing the best I could at the time.

When I moved in none of the bedrooms had doors, the flooring was not installed, the bathroom only had a working toilet that wobbled, rooms were half painted, concrete and rebar for sidewalks were smashed, my deck was and still is demolished. I then paid someone else to finish a job I already paid my Uncle to complete.  The entire experience was hell. During the process of the remodel, I refused to accept that I was being swindled. Needless to say, I did not accept the situation that was happening, had I accepted it immediately perhaps I could have avoided the rather unpleasant experience a bit more financially and emotionally unscathed.

Now, you couldn’t have told me I created this situation for my own healing, because I’d want to kick my own ass. And, for a long while I have (we all do). Until we have had enough, and are ready to live a new way.  I can now look on this situation with acceptance. I can accept I was in denial about my Uncle’s actions. I was afraid to say anything, and when I did, I wasn’t firm enough I let him walk all over me. I have learned that if you can’t decide where your boundaries are, other people will decide for you. I have learned more revelations about my relationship with men, enough to birth another article.  I don’t judge myself or the experience any longer. It “was what it was.” In fact, I could say I wish I had learned it sooner, but I don’t dwell in it. I simply wasn’t ready to see the truth of the situation.

I’ve now decided to love my relationship with money, not in a greedy way, but to love it like Susie Ormond says, “like your best friend,” know what it is doing, where it is at, and attend to your money garden so that it may grow and thrive with abundance. I see other patterns with money such as “retail therapy”—avoidance, overbuying—guilt. I’d shop to momentarily increase self esteem! Examining my relationship with money feels like I’m pulling out a long, twisty vine. It’s interconnection to other parts of my being is fascinating.

                                Now that I can see the pattern, I can change it.

All in all, I feel like I came through it with a sense of understanding the, “Why does this happen to me?” I never, ever thought I would say that I am grateful for that tough lesson. In fact there are members in my family who still hold a lot of hate in their hearts over this. I have found the “silver lining” in the experience and have been bestowed the blessing, and I have cleared the layers of energy around this. That doesn’t mean my Uncle is coming over for a BBQ anytime soon, but it does mean I am freed from the experience. Now I recreate a different reality and relationship with money.

I was lying in my backyard on the soft grass looking at the sheet of plywood where the deck used to be. Worries of money overcame me once again, especially since I’m now in business for myself and have Reiki as my calling.  I opened my heart to prayer, truly asking for help in this area of my life. I started by affirming my own prosperity. I then sent Reiki to my relationship with money, asking it to heal any other subconscious energies. I moved from resistance of my bills to gratitude. Within a half hour I had a bill be less than I expected. Then, I went into work for one client, and ended up having two! I sold two Reiki gift certificates and received early payment for a class, and booked another session.

This experience was a signal that since I am responsible for owning my reality, as I create it (consciously or not). I shifted my energy around the highly charged topic of “money” and the universe answered. I am so grateful. The bounty continued as I created this article, which I certainly never thought I would write about, but I think these are the things we need to write about. Granted that is quick manifestation, but all I can say about that is, “Resistance to truth creates time, and acceptance of the truth dissolves it (Falco).”